Alligator Pie & Other Good Stuff

hookay.

Fentimans make wunnerful drinks. The UK drinks company, around for 104 years are one of my favourite drink companies. Just to be clear, they make SOFT DRINKS, like Ginger Beer, Curiosity Cola (move OVER Coca Cola - this truly is the REAL thing!),  Seville Orange Jigger and a host of other delicious refreshments which are suitable for GENERAL CONSUMPTION.They are available in the UK, Ireland and the good ‘ol US of Democratic A.

In an astounding display of democracy today, the Attorney General of the great state of Maine, ruled that Fentimans botanically brewed drinks can no longer be sold to minors due to the LESS than 0.5% alcohol content (the company says it’s closer to 0.3%).The Office of the AG stated that Fentimans drinks are considered ‘imitation liquor’ due to the (minute) alcohol content. To put this into context, you would have to drink 28 bottles of the stuff to consume the equivalent alcohol levels found in a pint of beer. To be even clearer, you would have to drink over 7.5 Litres of Lemonade. Besides the obvious tummy ache resulting in drinking 7.5 L of anything, not to mention the epic trips to the loo - how long would this take to achieve without your eyebrows swimming? I cannot think of anyone who would willingly drink over 7.5L of something to achieve a pint buzz. If yutes wanted to get drunk, they would simply get their hands on beer or spirits or some other liquorously evil beverage. It’s a lot less work to get pissed on a pint of beer than 28 bottles of Lemonade and it’s cheaper. Under 21’s wouldn’t be bothered spending over $50 to get a buzz when they can get a couple of cans for a couple of dollars. Nevermind Under 21’s, I and most people I know wouldn’t spend $50 on a pint of beer! Only morons and people who drink Bling or Kona Nigari  water would consider this and if they’re that way inclined they most likely wouldn’t be able to chug 7.5L anyway - they might break a nail.

Okay so now that we’ve established it’s REALLY HARD if not impossible to get drunk on Victorian Lemonade, I must point out that another strike against the Fentimans brand came from their bottle packaging. The AG believe that the GLASS (wicked stuff that glass) bottle was similar to beer bottles and therefore insinuated that the "appearance, taste and smell is designed to carry the impression to the purchaser that the beverage has an alcohol content." So by their logic, Root BEER should be banned as well. Yes? No? Especially if it’s in a glass bottle and the fact is says BEER on the label. Does this mean that ANY glass bottled beverage gives the impression of containing alcohol because it looks similar to alcohol? Is that not what this piece of legislation is saying or should I say insinuating?  Personally I much prefer the glass bottle, it’s recyclable, reusable and there is less chance of product contamination than plastic bottles which have long been suspected of leeching Bisphenol A which can lead to infertility, obesity and several types of cancer. This sounds very much like a witch hunt to me - right locale anyway - they’re experts in the practice around those parts aren’t they?

Fentimans have NEVER marketed their drinks than anything other than soft drinks. They do not promote imitation liquor drinks simply because they don’t make them! Their marketing is a heavily stylised turn of the century, retro feel which appeals to a more mature consumer. Not to mention - they make soft drinks! (Oh have I said that before?). They do have a Shandy available admittedly, which again is less than 0.5% alcohol - but it’s marketed upfront as a Shandy brewed drink and is FDA approved for general consumption. Unbelievably this story broke on the back of some student bringing a bottle of the Lemonade to school and upon seeing the label indicating the less than 0.5% alcohol content, brought it to a teacher in case he would get in trouble for drinkin’. The snow ball rolled from there - all the way to the AG’s office where it should have been flamed and melted away. But, the Maine, ban everything bandwagon ensured the snowball kept rolling. Way to go Maine! What’s next? Slush Puppies can contain up to 2% Ethanol. Watch out Maine or you will have a whole generation of 5 year old alcoholics on your hands!  Mouthwash can contain up to 27% vol alcohol - you may actually fail a breathlyser test if you’ve very recently rinsed your yak hole. Apple Cider is also fermented and therefore could have a small amount of alcohol in it from the fermentation process. Over the counter cough syrup is far more accessible to Under 21’s if they want a buzz.  And oh, some contain codeine - isn’t that an opiate?

Suffice to say I would be far more concerned with young people over indulging in cough syrup or easily bought Solpadeine than having a six pack of Victorian Lemonade.

Fentimans are available in Ireland in Fallon & Byrne (Dublin) and The EcoShop (Wicklow) and probably elsewhere so please add other retailers in the comments section below.

Next round of Fentimans is on me!